


Dum Vivo Amo  (While I live, I love)

by Merced_0411



Series: Dum Spiro Spero (While I breathe, I hope) [3]
Category: Kabby fandom, The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Choices, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Forgiveness, Friendship, Hope, Hopeful Ending, Kabby, Kabby Week, Love, Post Season 4, Redemption, Romance, Unplanned Pregnancy, Wonkru, kabby baby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-16
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-15 00:29:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11219442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merced_0411/pseuds/Merced_0411
Summary: Set in the bunker, two days after Primefaya.





	1. Abby

**Author's Note:**

> The POV will alternate between Abby and Marcus. The POV will be indicated as the title of chapter. 
> 
>  
> 
> “For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.”
> 
> -Rainer Maria Rilke-

“Jackson, may I have a moment alone.” Abby tightened the grip on the papers she held in her hands. She hoped that he would not notice how much they were trembling. Jackson was worried about her. They all were. Between Marcus and Jackson, she had not been alone since she had awoken just forty-eight hours earlier- _on_ _the_ _wrong_ _side_ _of_ _the door_. Abby had only been able to convince Marcus to attend a council meeting that Octavia had convened by pointing out that it was either him or Jaha as the representative for Skaikru. Marcus had reluctantly agreed to leave her side for a few hours, but not before making Jackson promise to stay with Abby in his absence. If she hadn’t felt so numb, she might have protested against being kept under constant watch.

Jackson looked at her, intently, his dark brown eyes full of concern. “Abby, I don’t think-”

She placed her hand firmly on his shoulder. Somewhere along the way he had become so much more than just her apprentice. He was a trusted colleague, a beloved friend. _Family_. Her heart swelled with adoration and affection for the kind, loyal and compassionate man that stood before her. She attempted to give Jackson a reassuring smile. However, noticing the frightened look on his face, she realized that she had not been successful.

“Abby, you... you shouldn’t be alone right now.” Jackson nervously looked at the door behind him, mindful of Marcus' explicit orders. _Protect her. Keep her safe._ “We will need to begin the preparations for your procedure... Luckily, Raven was able to provide us all the information we needed before-” Jackson quickly fell silent, looking uncomfortably at the ground.

_Before the radio communications were cut off. Before Abby could talk to Clarke. Before she could tell her daughter that she loved her. One last time. Before the world ended._

“It’s OK Jackson. Please, I just need a minute." Jackson looked conflicted, and extremely uncomfortable. " _Now_.” Abby emphasized the last word. Not many dared to defy her when she used _that_ tone of voice. Only one person, actually. She felt a warm sensation sweep through her core. _Marcus._

Jackson gave her one last worried glance before quietly leaving the room. It was not until she heard the 'click' of the door securely closing, that she finally- finally allowed herself to fall apart. Abby wept. She felt her throat tightening, constricting the flow of oxygen to her lungs. Staring down at the yellow papers still clutched in her hands, the data swam before her eyes. She had read through the report at least a dozen times in the past 30 minutes, and yet the truth within the numbers remained unchanged.

Hemotology Report

Patient Name: Abigail Griffin  
Age: 42  
Sex: F

Hemoglobin 15 g/dL  
Reticulocytes 1.1%  
White blood cells (WBC) 7 x 10^9/L  
Neutrophils: 5 x 10^9/L  
Bands: < 1 x 10^9/L  
Lymphocytes: 2 x 10^9/L  
Monocytes: 0.5 x 10^9/L  
Eosinophils: < 0.5 x 10^9/L  
Platelets: 308 x 10^9/L  
Fibrinogen: 3.2 g/L  
hCG level: 98,500 mIU/cc

It was the last set of numbers that had sent waves of shock tearing through her body, and had momentarily stopped her heart from beating.  _hCG level: 98,500 mIU/cc_

 _Impossible_.  As a doctor, however, she simply could not deny the empirical evidence in front of her. Numbers always told the truth.

_Pregnant._


	2. Marcus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that."
> 
> -Martin Luther King Jr.-

Marcus slowly walked down the long and dimly lit hallway, the guilt of his choices weighed heavily on his shoulders.  _This_ _is_ _how_ _we_ _save_ _our_ _people_.  He was trapped within a nightmare from which he could not awake. As he approached the large metal door at end of the corridor, he felt his pulse begin to accelerate, his heart beating hard and rapidly against his chest.  His breath was shallow, and he felt as if he were suffocating, drowning. He immediately recognized the symptoms.   _Panic_.  Abby had gently explained that it was normal to have panic attacks following a traumatic event.

Resting his back against the cold wall, he attempted to do the deep breathing exercises that Abby had taught him.  He closed his eyes, and began to breathe with his diaphragm.  Inhale… count to 5….exhale. The events of the last two days permanently etched into his mind. His greatest desire and driving purpose in life had been to save his people, and yet his hands carried the stain of their blood.  He had wanted to deliver them, instead he had killed them. Each death for which he was responsible, had irrevocably marked his soul.  Even if there were a God, he certainly would not have the luxury of forgiveness. The breadth of his sins was too vast.  If it hadn't been for Abby, he would have surely fallen into the black abyss that constantly threatened to consume him.  

_Inhale._

_Abby._

_Exhale._

Abby was one of the strongest person he knew, and he was terrified that she would shatter; that the light which irradiated from her every pore, would suddenly vanish, ceasing to exist. He could still hear her agonizing cries when Octavia had tearfully informed her that all the radio communications had been lost, preventing her from hearing her daughter’s voice one more time. He could still feel her hot tears on his neck as they clung tightly to each other as the Death Wave swept over Polis.   It had taken all his strength to tear himself from her side where he had meticulously kept watch during the past 48 hours. _“Our representative for the council will either be you or it will be Jaha,” she had reminded him._

He attempted to clear his mind so that he could focus on the challenges and obstacles that lay ahead.  Octavia had declared that they, the 1,200 remaining members of the human race, were now to be one people, _Wonkru_.  It was understood that it would take time for everyone to set aside old grudges, prejudices and tribalistic views and to truly come together as one.  At the encouragement of both he and Indra, Octavia had agreed to form a council comprising of an appointed advisor from each of the former 12 tribes.  It would be their task to create laws, maintain peace, find solutions to problems before they became problems.

Suddenly, he felt a firm hand grip his shoulder, providing an anchor to the present.

“Stedaunon don gon we; kikon ste ent.”   _(The dead are gone; the living are hungry.)_  He opened his eyes.   _Indra_.  Her eyes were kind, however, she was not smiling. “Octavia will be waiting.”

He nodded to convey to the warrior that he understood, and he followed her into the cold gray room.


	3. Abby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” 
> 
> -Washington Irving-

Abby closed her eyes, implementing the deep breathing technique that she had recently showed Marcus.  

_Inhale…_

_1...2...3..4...5..._

_Exhale…._

Feeling confident that her breathing had returned to a normal rhythm, she opened her eyes.  At once, she felt the familiar sensation of warm liquid pooling behind eyes, pushing for release. She did not attempt to stop the seemingly infinite flow of tears as they made their way down her cheeks.   _How long before the seemingly endless reserve of tears would run dry?_ An overwhelming sense of nostalgia swept over her as shewatched each tear fall, one by one, gently onto the surface of metal table at which she was seated. Each teardrop contained a sliver of her soul.

_Jake._

_Clarke._

_Marcus._

Within its boundary, each tear encompassed an overwhelming influx of emotions.

_Pain._

_Love._

_Grief._

_Angst._

_And...hope?_

Instinctively, Abby pressed her palm against her belly.  Her life no longer belonged to just herself. Her life was inseparably intertwined with the life now growing within her womb. As she imagined her unborn child, she felt a comforting warmth spread throughout her body.   _Is this what forgiveness felt like?_

“Abby… are you alright?” A voice, gentle, yet saturated with concern gently pulled her from her thoughts. A hand on her shoulder.

_Jackson._

Abby finally wiped her eyes and slowly stood up and turned around to face her beloved friend.

“Abby, I have the results of your brain scan from this morning.  There’s nothing-” He stopped abruptly taking in the current state of his mentor. She felt his eyes move swiftly from her red and swollen eyes to the twin trails down her cheeks, blazed by the incessant flow of tears. He was analyzing, processing. Jackson was, after all, a scientist.

“There is nothing wrong with my brain. I know.” _Breathe,_ Abby reminded herself. She knew that the moment she uttered the words, the numbers on the papers still in hand, would become reality.  She took in a deep breath, and yet her voice was but a faint whisper. “I am pregnant. 10 weeks.”

Confusion flashed across Jackson’s eyes. “How?”

“Do you really need me to explain how pregnancy occurs? Abby asked teasingly. She felt the corners of her mouth twitch, turning upwards, ever so slightly. _Was she actually smiling?_

Jackson blushed, his face turning a deep shade of red. “I mean… I know how it works, but I...you...” he stuttered, at a loss for words.

“Jackson, I have not experienced the same neurological symptoms as Raven. No seizures.”   _Extreme fatigue. Nausea. The absence of her period.  Why hadn't she figured it out, put it all together? Had she known?_ Even the terrifying hallucination she had had of Clarke could be explained by variations in blood pressure caused by pregnancy. She was a trained medical professional.  She had providing medical care to numerous women through pregnancy on the Ark.  She had been experienced the same symptoms 19 years earlier. It was easier, more simple, to let everyone, including herself believe that it was her brain. _That she was dying._  “My implant was scheduled to be replaced a few months before we came to the ground. Since, Jake… I didn't think...” Abby felt herself blush. She loved and trusted Jackson, and she respected him as a fellow doctor, but it felt strange discussing these personal and very intimate details of her life with him.

Jackson nodded, tentatively wrapping her in a warm embrace. She _loved_ Marcus, but the love she felt for Jackson was different.  Jackson had always supported her, stood up for her, selflessly offered her his friendship- a friendship for which she would be eternally grateful. As she rested her head on his shoulder, Abby knew that the unspoken question had already been asked and answered. _Who is the father?_ Although she and Marcus had not formally announced their status as a couple, she was certain by the hushed whispers and pointed glances they received whenever they were together, that their relationship had become public knowledge.

When Jackson finally let go, he simply asked, “Does Kane know?”

 Her heart leapt slightly- just a fraction. But... it was there. A glimmer.

_Hope._

Abby shook her head slowly, her eyes glistening with tears. "Not yet.”


	4. Marcus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame;  
> how could you rise anew if you have not first become ashes?”  
> -Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche-

“ _No! She stays! She stays!” He had to save her. He was sobbing, gasping for air. “Abby!” He wanted to scream, and yet his voice was merely a breathless whisper. He felt panic sweep over him. He would not reach her in time. He desperately tried to step over the sea of bodies that separated them. A hand reached out and firmly clasped itself around his ankle, preventing him from moving forward. He looked down in horror and could feel the bile begin to rise in his throat. His mother was staring up at him, dark, hollow sockets where eyes had once been. “Mom...?” Marcus froze in horror as a sharp pain tore through his chest._

_“You could not save me, and you cannot save her!” She hissed, pointing a bony finger towards the empty spot on the floor. “You’re too late!”_

_“No!” His silent cries trapped in his lungs. “Forgive me,” he whispered as the crushing weight of his guilt forced him to the ground. Laying on the ground, prostrate, he wept. “Forgive me…”_

Kane’s eyes flew open, he was panting heavily. His lungs greedily taking in oxygen.  As his pupils adjusted to the fluorescent lights which illuminated the room, 12 stoic faces slowly came into focus. It had been a dream. A nightmare. Abby was safe. “I-I must have dozed off… I have not really slept much since…” He felt his face grow warm. _Had they heard him as he cried out to Abby in his dream?_

“No one here has been able to sleep, Kane.” Octavia’s voice was low and controlled, her face concealing any trace of emotion. Octavia stood from her chair and looked sternly at the 12 ambassadors still seated before her. “Go, we are done for today,” she commanded. They were dismissed.

Kane remained seated, trying to regain control over his breathing. _Breathing is important, Abby had reminded him._ He slowly closed and opened his eyes, still not yet completely lucid. His nightmare had seemed so real.

Octavia placed her hand firmly on his shoulder. “Hodnes laik kwelnes.” (Love is weakness.)

Kane looked up up at the new leader. Her pale green eyes bore into his. He could feel her strength. The girl under the floor. The girl whose existence was hidden for 16 years, was now _heda kom Wonkru,_ leader of the human race. He felt a strong sense of pride and admiration for the young leader.  Octavia had come a long way from who she had been on the Ark. _They all had._ Perhaps one day he would be able to explain to her how much he loved her, as a father loves his daughter.

“No,” he whispered gently. “Hodnes laik uf." (Love is strength.) Please don’t forget that.” He nodded to Indra, who stood dutifully at Octavia’s side, always faithful and loyal. And as Kane walked out of the room, he thought he caught a glimpse of Octavia wiping her eye.  

 _Abby._ Kane began to run down the long hallway that separated them. He had to see her. He _needed_ to see that she was alive and safe.  Arriving to the medical room, Kane’s eyes began frantically searching for Abby. He breathed a sigh of relief as his eyes registered her small frame. Abby was laying on a small cot, sleeping. He felt his pulse and breathing accelerate, a warm and tingling sensation in his stomach. He gasped, his lungs demanding more air. He needed her to breathe, and yet she stole his breath away. His body responded to the mere sight of her. How could someone so small possess such tremendous power over him. He couldn’t help but smile. And she had said that _he_ was the terrible influence. He kneeled on the floor beside her, lightly brushing his lips against her cheek.

“Hmmm…” Abby murmured slowly opening her eyes. She reached out and softly caressed his beard. His _entire_ body was responding to her touch, to her deep yet soft voice. Abby smiled, her face was glowing, illuminated by an inner light that served as a constant beacon in the darkness that surrounded them. The same light which he had once feared; he now desperately craved. He was in awe of the woman lying before him. She had saved him, in every sense of the word. And he vowed that he would spend the rest of his life showing her that she too was worth saving. As he stared into her eyes, he noticed the redness and hint of moisture. She had recently been crying.

Kane immediately switched over to protective mode. He tenderly stroked her cheek, tucking a strand of loose hair behind her ear. “Abby, are you alright?” He could not mask the concern in his voice.

“Marcus...” she whispered, pressing her lips softly against his. And just as Kane started to assess whether the small cot could support both their weight, a voice filled the air.

“So, um, I need to go work on inventory. So, I’ll be leaving now.”

_Jackson._

Kane quickly stood up, and turned towards the young doctor who was standing, hesitatingly, at the door. Jackson reminded him of Indra in a way. Always steadfast and loyal. He smiled. Abby was lucky to have him as _her_ second. He knew their relationship had been strained, and he could not blame Jackson for not trusting him, for hating him. _He too had hated himself_. However, now was a time for forgiveness. It was time for a new beginning, a fresh start.  Perhaps they could be friends. They both cared deeply for the same woman. They both loved her in different ways. He walked over to Jackson, placing a hand firmly on the younger man's shoulder.

“Thank you. I mean it, Jackson.” He hoped his voice conveyed the sincerity of his words. "Thank you for _everything_.

Jackson looked at Kane intently, carefully considering the offer of friendship, searching his eyes for any remnants of the Kane of the Ark. Then, Jackson smiled and nodded. _Offer accepted._

Kane smiled as he watched Jackson leave the room. _Yes, they would be good friends._

"Marcus, I need to talk to you.” Abby placed her hand on his back, drawing his thoughts away from Jackson. She was trembling, and Kane immediately became alarmed.

“Abby, are you alright?” He asked searching her eyes, placing his hands on her arms. He immediately regretted the words as soon as they escaped from his lips. He would need to learn to stop asking her that question. _Of course_ she was not alright. She would have to bear the agony of not knowing if her daughter was dead or alive for the next five years.   _Because of him._

Abby began to cry softly, pressing her face against his chest. Kane held her in a tight embrace as she wept. He would let her cry for as long as she needed.

Finally, Abby withdrew, and looked up at him. Her deep, brown eyes penetrating his own. “I-I just want to thank you.”

“Thank _me_?” Kane had not expected for _her_ to be thanking _him_. He still felt guilty for going against her wishes and keeping her inside the bunker, as if she had belonged to him. He knew that she saw the grounder dying in the radiation chamber each night when she closed her eyes. She was here _because of him._ She suffered _because of him._ She insisted that she had forgiven him, but he saw her pain, and it was his pain. He wished he could bear her pain, so that she would no longer suffer.

“Thank you… for saving... _us_.” She smiled, cupping her stomach her with hand.

“Us? I don’t understand...” His eyes widened, staring at her hand which was now resting on her stomach. He felt his heart stop. _He understood_. A million questions raced through his mind, although in the end, he was only capable of articulating one word “How?”

Abby looked up at him, a smirk forming on her mouth. “Did you and Jackson _both_ miss that biology lesson in junior high?”

 _Polis_.  His whole body trembled as he remembered those blissful nine days they had spent together.  They had made love countless times, learning from one another.  Now, they would have _five years._

“I- I’m going to be a... _dad_?” _Dad_. The word felt strange coming out of his mouth. He liked the way the word rolled off his tongue. He knew he was grinning, he couldn’t help it. The initial shock was beginning to transition to euphoria. _He was going to a dad._ He could feel the tears streaming down his face.

“Yes… you are going to be a dad. Yu na laik nomi." Abby repeated in Trigedasleng, both crying and smiling at the same time.

In response, Kane leaned down and tenderly kissed Abby on her forehead, breathing in her scent, her essence. There were no words to express the depth of what he felt in this moment.  He was overcome by a warmth that he had never quite experienced before. _Love._ He had loved Abby for a long time, but what she now held within her womb amplified that feeling to a degree that he had not known possible. The force continued to flow through him like raging fire, simultaneously destroying and rebuilding each fiber of his body and soul, transforming him.  Purging him of his sins, restoring what had been broken. _Did Abby feel this too?_ Kane wrapped his arms tightly around her as she placed her head on his chest.   _From_   _these ashes we will rise._   They were a perfect fit. He felt lighter, as if the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders.  The culmination of all their hopes and dreams, was growing inside of Abby. The birth of _their_ child would be the redemption they had so desperately been seeking.

“I love you.” He whispered in her ear. “ _Both_ of you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't sure where I wanted to go with the story when I began. I decided to keep it focused on Kane and Abby.  
> At the end, I wanted to draw a parallel between fire and love. Love and Fire have the power to destroy as well as to create.  
> I see Primefaya to represent both a physical and metaphorical force. Just as Earth has been destroyed by fire, so too, has the painful past each character has been holding on to.  
> It is now, that they can truly be liberated from their demons, and rise anew from the ashes.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> I am new at writing fanfiction, and appreciate all and any feedback. :) I adore Kane and Abby (Kabby), and I have felt compelled to contribute, however small of a sliver, to their journey. ♡
> 
> Comments and/or Kudos are greatly appreciated. :)


End file.
